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Lately I've been noticing a friend of mine has been directing a lot of competitive energy in my direction, which has been pretty annoying for obvious reasons. I've tried to just ignore it, and recognize that it's her issue, and really has nothing to do with me, but we're so close that it feels very invalidating and making the choice not to respond with competition in return is causing me to feel really passive and trodden on. Unfortunately I can't bring this up with her. We didn't speak for a year because I tried to communicate my feelings. I'm wondering if anyone has ACIM based insight?
I've mostly decided to just distance myself, and let her work through her own process. It's a let down because we have such a history together, and she's being competitive over really weird things, such as making sure I know her wedding dress cost more than mine, or getting jealous when I won a bunch of money in Vegas, instead of being happy for me, or just- constantly constantly constantly promoting herself. Even something so strange as always power walking in front of me with her husband, so me and my husband are following behind.
-Frustrated/Confused in San Diego
I've mostly decided to just distance myself, and let her work through her own process. It's a let down because we have such a history together, and she's being competitive over really weird things, such as making sure I know her wedding dress cost more than mine, or getting jealous when I won a bunch of money in Vegas, instead of being happy for me, or just- constantly constantly constantly promoting herself. Even something so strange as always power walking in front of me with her husband, so me and my husband are following behind.
-Frustrated/Confused in San Diego
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Unsu...
Re: Competitive Friend
Tue, June 7, 2005 - 2:41 AMShe probably heard one person speak highly of you. (or comparitivly highly of you) on a subject she prides herself on.
Sounds like she has aggressive identity issues.
Until she solves them your friendship could stop being light hearted as there is a chance her social objective
is not something mutually enjoyable nor easily pleased.
Sounds like she needs something like ACIM
- however if you suggested it Im sure she will take offence : )
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Re: Competitive Friend
Tue, June 7, 2005 - 12:14 PMI've learned recently that her sister is kind of a "drama queen," and very competitive also, so it's given me more insight as to why she might feel like she needs to grasp at making herself look good. It doesn't really help my situation, but at least I can be more compassionate if I understand the source of it.
It's really funny, as much as it does grate on my nerves.
Thanks Andrew. -
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Unsu...
Re: Competitive Friend
Wed, June 8, 2005 - 1:28 PMWell, if you really think about it, it may just be ego talking to ego. If operating from the Holy Spirit, then her "attacks" wouldn't register more than a blank stare on your face since you would know that it isn't possible for you to be attacked.
IMHO... -
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Re: Competitive Friend
Wed, June 8, 2005 - 7:22 PMI know. That's what being human is about, right. I'm just a really mellow person, and I want to exist without drama going on around me, and I'm so sensitive to energy that my initial response is just, "WHAT is your problem?"
*Then* I have to sit back and center myself and recognize what's up and remain present with that clarity. I'm not saying I'm a perfectly enlightened entity. That's why I asked for input, and that's why I started this tribe.
Sometimes I just want to drop my spiritual development and tell people off. It takes years to deeply cultivate authenticity and Being.
I so slip sometimes. Melissa is bugging me in a big way, so I've distanced myself so I can deal with my own issues. And I'm sure that makes her a great spiritual teacher in my life, so I can bless her for that.
I love Wayne Dyre. One thing he said in a lecture that stood out for me was along the lines of, No matter who sqeezes an orange, juice will come out of it. It isn't who does the squeezing, it's what is inside. I recognize that I'm reacting. It's all me. Sometimes I just don't care though. My human nature wants to just say "Fuck it. You're being so lame. Get out of my life."
That's what the Course is about in a big way. Getting passed that urge, moving into a place of Self responsibility. -
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Re: Competitive Friend
Sun, June 12, 2005 - 2:10 PMwhen it affects u isn't it about your perception??? merely pondering because I have to think about my part when dealing with whatever portion of my "reality".(?) -
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Re: Competitive Friend
Sun, June 12, 2005 - 2:13 PMwhen i responded to the first dialog and hadn't read the rest of the thread....Wayne Dyer has such a way with words, doesn't he..Apologize for writing what you had already caught....Peace and eternal love
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Unsu...
Re: Competitive Friend
Thu, June 30, 2005 - 5:24 PMWas just reading through this thread. I'm a major fan of ACIM and Wayne Dyer. Of course your response and reaction to her is strictly your problem in side of you - AND, you can change your mind. Thoughts are things - choose the good ones.
According to the Course, there is love and there is fear. Your friend's competitive nature is fear - most likely fear that she is not good enough as she is (as the universe created her) and has to compete with others to prove something to herself. What is the solution? You have to return love. Love her and let her know that she is good enough. Getting upset is competing back - even if it is just trying to prove a point to feel better, it is still competion, and then you move into the same mind frame she is in.
One more time - the ONLY constructive answer to fear, is love. All that said, sometimes the most loving thing to do for someone is to peacefully and lovingly send them on their way to learn their own lessons and, perhaps, move them out of your life. I was just reading Wayne Dyer's book "Spiritual Solution to Every Problem" the other day, and he refers to neutralizers - people who try to neutralize negative thoughts and behaviors by keeping their focus on the positive ones - love and peace. Problem is, even neutralizers can be worn down by the negative energy of others, and then they become more susceptible themselves to behaving negatively.
Hope that wasn't too long and wordy. Been doing some successful and unsuccessful neutralizing of my own lately, so I have a lot of thoughts on the subject.
TBFL,
Matt
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Re: Competitive Friend
Fri, July 1, 2005 - 11:35 AMI try to be as diplomatic as I can be with everyone in my life. There's a fine line between being a neutral point, and being a doormat. I would say that I typically am a neutralizer.
She *is* looking for validation, and she feels like she needs to invalidate me in the process. I've only given you a brief discription of the situation. Basically, I need to let her go, or focus on her with the intention of holding her in light, and just not expect her to be there for me.
I acknowledge everything you said.
I've just been watching our interactions, and I've noticed that she only really slips into competitive vibe when she's with her husband, and I'm with mine. I've been trying to understand why that is.
In what ways have you been a neutralizer lately?
Blessings.
-Piper -
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Unsu...
Re: Being a Neutralizer
Fri, July 1, 2005 - 5:00 PM*In what ways have you been a neutralizer lately?
Someone I love dearly and have been living with for 15 years fell into some pretty bad ego fear thoughts about 8 months ago (actually longer than that, but they were hidden for a long time and it got very bad in the last several months).
I would continue to do my best to neutralize the negative energy and thoughts coming from her and work through things, and would succeed usually, but then after several days of it, I would start to lose my own perspective and join the negativity, which generally did not turn out well.
This went on for much longer than it should have. She had a major breakthrough in her life about a month ago after she went back to reading ACIM (which she actually introduced me to 15 years ago). Now even she tells me that I should have walked away from her immediately when she started down the negative path - it would have been the most loving thing to do. But I did not (hard to just walk away from someone you love). So I kept neutralizing until I was worn down, hitting bottom, bouncing back up, neutralizing until I was worn down, etc., etc. for about 6 months, which was a mistake. Currently I'm a little worn out and just beginning to get my perspective back.
Regarding your friend, I'm not sure what to say about the thing of her slipping into competition around her husband. I think it is complete societal training (or indoctrination) but people seem to associate "relationships" (e.g., marriage, etc.) in competitive ways. Could be she doesn't even really realize she's doing it - just bad societal habits that teach people they have to compete for love. She's not actually, consciously competing for your husband, or thinking that you are competing for hers - it's just that in that couple thing, society trains people to be competitive. So, I think it is probably a subconscious response based on society's disturbed messages of "this is MY man" (as if one person can own another.) It's most likely nother person towards you.
TBFL,
Matt
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Re: Being a Neutralizer
Fri, August 12, 2005 - 5:09 PMThis is such an interesting thread; I can't believe I didn't read it earlier because I was going through the same thing with one of my girlfriends. I finally got so tired of it, I just had to let her go as a friend.
I wonder if it's because girls are just this way with other girls? It's funny, though, because my girlfriend is doing the EXACT same thing as yours! We travelled together and I was there to travel and see the world, and she was there to meet men. The more I tried NOT to meet men (even though I was single at the time), the more men I attracted, which really upset my friend.
The straw that broke the camel's back was when a greek God, I mean THE absolutely, most gorgeous man either of us have ever set our eyes on came over and asked ME out. It cut her to the bone and when we got home, we went our separate ways and I haven't seen much of her since.
*side note: she came to my housewarming when I bought my first house. She asked me at least 3 times how much I paid for the house. Each time I laughed it off because I think it's very tacky to ask someone that kind of question. Everyone at the party went on and on about how gorgeous my house is and how lucky I was, and how happy they were for me, etc. Surprise surprise....I HAVEN'T SEEN HER SINCE....
It's very hard to love someone despite their faults. I've decided I can love her from a distance. True friends celebrate your happiness and accomplishments.
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This is the maximum depth. Additional responses will not be threaded.
Re: Being a Neutralizer
Fri, August 12, 2005 - 7:09 PMHi Linda,
I agree with you that people who really love you celebrate with you, and I can also relate because she was asking me what my wedding rings cost, and telling me she's going to inherit a lot of money, which is just not something to talk about like that, and when I had a new place-like you mentioned- everyone was saying how much they loved it, but she said nothing positive whatsoever, and yet when showing us her new house she completely talked it up.
I've become careful about close female relationships because I seem to attract this in girlfriends for some reason. I don't know why; it's yucky. I'm not a competitive person at all. I don't want to lead or follow. I just want to be myself. It does annoy me, so it's a lesson I need to integrate. I recognize that. I have resistance. I have a hard time with this one because I *don't* give her anything other than love. I don't react when she acts this way, but that causes me to feel too passive, and no one is confronting her on her behavior which seems wrong to me. I think people should be accountable, and I struggle with this.
As a society in general women are *not* taught to like each other. Everything points at competition- who has more money? Who's more attractive? Who's more interesting? We're taught from birth that we aren't good enough, and that we have to get a leg up, and I think in particular women feel the burden of this more than men. Men don't tend to see how vicious women can be, or when they do, they think it's amusing. It's such a nasty energy, though.
My "best friend" in high school had to have every guy that liked me. I didn't care because there was only one man I was interested in. But she'd sit there saying, "Should I sleep with him, or shouldn't I?" I'd shrug. And then one day she made out with my bf because it was the only way she could actually get a rise out of me.
Where do you live. We should just hang out. :) I hope you went out with the Greek God.
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