I shaved my head last month for Tibet. My father is very conservative and not speaking to me as a result. I live 1000 miles away. It's not like I'm around anyone who even knows him. it's always the same thing, whether I'm failing a math class, or sleeping with an older man. I cease to exist for him. My initial reaction is the desire to just say F*ck You. If moral conviction is something you're ashamed of, etc etc etc. I haven't said anthing to him, instead. I'm just absorbing this latest drama, and trying to let to pass thru and by w/o making an issue of it, but i feel like by not confronting the fact that he's ignoring me, I'm giving up my power. I think what I'm actually angry about is that he's missing out on knowing me, and having an authentic relationship with me based on his need to fill a parental role. It's a total lie in my space. Thoughts on family relationships? or lack of?
l.o.v.e.
l.o.v.e.
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California
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Re: Thoughts on family drama and compassion
Thu, April 24, 2008 - 7:04 AMHi Piper,
I go through the same thing with my dad. He will ignore me if I don't meet his standards. I have inturn stopped talking with him. Though it is difficult sometimes, I have learned that there is no need to subject myself to his ways of "dealing" with me. I don't appreciate it, can't change it and have decided to not carry it with me. I thought because he is my dad that I should be (fill in the blank) to make him happy. In my journey, I have learned, you can't actually make someone happy. I know it makes me feel bad, so I have drifted away from it.
I found the validation I needed from him, I never got. He never really understood me nor appreciated all of the different aspects of myself. With that, he is missing out. I have found other people who do appreciate my perspective, aspects and outlooks and fully embrace me with love and kindness. I am a grown woman and I have learned I am not the 12 year old looking for my dad to acknowledge me anymore. I don't need to have his validation or approval to enjoy and live my life. He has my phone number and I have his. We can call when we want, or not. I don't hold my breath. My mom however, would like for me to have a relationship with him. So, I try. Last year I arranged for my brother and sister to come with me (he lives in RI and we are in Mass) to talk to him. In the midst of the visit he says "who's idea was it to bring everyone here?" "It was mine and I had thought you might need to know you are completely loved by us." No, he doesn't understand my intention and I am ok with that. I just need to not be a jerk to him and do my best to let him know I love you as you are. Because that is all I can do. I can't make him accept me and with that knowledge I no longer need to try. I am perfect as I am.
My advice to you is to know you are perfect and even though you don't believe your dad has that perspective of yourself, it doesn't invalidate that you are you and are here on your own journey and that he was just the means to bring you forth to where you need to be. I would wish and bid him well on his journey and for you to realize you have so much to contribute to life and those you know and to let go of the negative feelings that are transmitted between the two of you. The journey you are on is so much more important than the journey you came from and by holding on to the past you are preventing your future to evolve in front of you.
You really are perfect and absolutely ok. It hurts most because this is someone we expected to love and embrace us as we are and as we grow up we see (reflect) how they didn't really do that. If this was a childhood friend we wouldn't think twice about moving on.
Food for thought - I wish you well on your journey.
- Dina -
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Re: Thoughts on family drama and compassion
Thu, April 24, 2008 - 2:05 PMThanks, Dina. I've pretty much had similar thoughts. I'm amused by the situation, honestly, and having a great time creating in my own world. I've always had a very combative relationship with my mother, but not with my father. I never really realized just how conservative he is until more recently. And there's nothing wrong with being conservative. I just find it limiting and boring in my own life. I guess I'm just trying to understand where he's coming from. I don't really understand the issue, you know. It's just hair. It really does grow back. I just never want to alienate my daughter like this. It's not that I feel like I need him to validate me. I gave that up a long time ago. I don't know what it is exactly. -
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Re: Thoughts on family drama and compassion
Sun, April 27, 2008 - 8:13 AMThe trick is to change the dynamics of the relations (or the terms of the relationship). I have done that with my dad, but he instead of ignoring me had a bad habit of calling me and telling me how disapointed he was in me for something I did 30 years ago. As soon as I found out what triggered that I had my power back. I could say "I will not fight with you over nonsense. Go meditate or something.". I have made him leave my house 3 times and now he doesn't do that. (maybe he is a slow learner or I am, as it did take 3 times for me to stand firm). Now the relationship is between two adults and he knows I don't need his approval for anything I do.
You have to find a way to work it out. In my relationship with my dad, anger was the only emotion allowed; now we can have a nice conversation and if he forgets who he's talking to I tell him.
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